.. .. FInally.. .. the journey is winding doWN.. ..

1 HEhh-LO!!

2 WElcome to howard’s unrelated game.. .. each rule should be read in order.. .. with the exception of the second ruLE

3 FInd n’ assemble the circular-square, the numeral-divided-by-zero, the square root of -1 n’ the non-repeatin’-fractal playin’ piecES

4 ONce you’ve read the sequence seveneightsixsevenfive, please proceED

5 BEfore you’ve read the sequence chqma-11-11, please proceED

6 THree to fourteen warm honey biscuits may be presented to the player born closest to the sun.. .. who then proceeds to divide the three to fourteen warm honey biscuits among all players present ((as well as those not-present)).. .. while performin’ the official “ “warm honey biscuit cheer” ”.. .. in the event of a tie.. .. seven ((or six)) ripe tangerines are instead presented to the 21st ((or 2nd)) player to perform a song n’ dance routine regardin’ the state flower

7 IF the 7th of june of your birth year fell on a tuesday ((or if the 6th of july of your birth year fell on a foursday)).. .. add four to two turquoise marbles to your imaginary, yet impressively well maintained, rock gardEN

8 “ “THe well-loved lawn chair of relaxation” ” is given to the player who’s ridden a toboggan the most times, or the player who most recently tried to remember their old phone number growin’ UP

9 IF you were present at the November, 13, 1907 liftoff of the first helicopter flight conducted by french inventor paul cornu, please confirm your birth with guinness world records to claim your title as “ “oldest livin’ persON” ”

10 IF you’re here now ((we should all be so fortunate)), take a ten second meditation ((.. .. it just involves takin’ three deep breatHS))

11 IF you were not present at the November, 13, 1907 liftoff of the first helicopter flight conducted by french inventor paul cornu, please refrain from contactin’ guinness world records to claim your title as “ “oldest livin’ persON” ”

12 IF you drive a canary-yellow 1975 toyota celica.. .. your left turn signal is ON

13 PLace all of the odd-numbered hazelnut-colored filberts onto the “ “warped-time scale of destiny” ” to determine who’s player piece will be rightfully placed into, n’ fired out of, the “ “catapult of approximatiON’” ”

14 ANy player that's ever been to maynard, arkansas gets to wear the official “ “yep, i've been to maynard, arkansas” ” commemorative pIN

15 SOme rules are meant to be broken.. .. but not this oNE

16 ALl rules shall be precisely followed.. .. with the exception of this oNE

17 IF the player to your right is also the player to your left.. .. give each other a knowin’ nod, n’ continue as though nothin’ has just happenED

18 IF the player to your right n’ the player to your left are also yourself.. .. give yourself a knowin’ nod, n’ continue as though everythin’ has just happenED

19 DEtermine which player((s)) will “ “rock the boat” ” n’ who will stand watch for “ “incomin’ unidentified transmissioNS” ”

20 IT’s essential to not skip this stEP

21 ALl players present shall give a brief but dynamic round of applause for all players not preseNT

22 IT’s essential to skip this stEP

23 AT an event with 23 attendees, odds are at least two of them share the same birthdAY

24 THe person readin’ this rule may skip this step for now n’ come back to it again at a later time if they so choose.. .. although, really, who am i to say what they may or may not do.. .. after all, they are their own person, n’ have free will.. .. n’ so i suppose they may do, or not do, as they so chooSE

25 REmember to thank the player who's turn it is to soliloquize to the group the ways in which fred the cactus’ contributions are so often underappreciatED

26 TAke a moment for a solemn round of jazz snaps to the person who brought the makin’s of the official howard the cow beverage, 4tea2 ((four parts apple juice to two parts lemonade.. .. add a twist of fresh lemon or lime.. .. if you're feelin' zesTY))

27 IF one or forty two snack ideas have been discussed within the last two to twenty one seconds, please pause howard’s unrelated game, get a bite to eat, n’ then take a moment to reflect on all there is to be grateful for in this liFE

28 THe “ “turquoise fiddle of mahogany” ” is presented to the player who is most convincin’ in their “ “openin’ a stuck pickle jar” ” charades demonstratiON

29 ONce the official “ “howard’s unrelated game anthem” ” has been insufficiently n’ poorly performed ((in four to two part harmonies)), award the seat of 6/7th position to the player who's accompanyin’ break dance routine garnered the most offers from onlookers to help them do their taxes once the next tax season rolls arouND

30 I’Ve heard the steps for the foxtrot go “ “slow-step forward.. .. slow-step forward.. .. quick-step to the side.. .. quick-step to close” ”.. .. but i have to admit that i haven’t seen it in action, n’ i can’t for the life of me imagine how this conceptually works on the dance floor.. .. unless i have it wrong, which is entirely possible.. .. i mean.. .. if everyone on the floor is out there havin’ a good time doin’ the foxtrot, n’ each cycle everyone is takin’ two steps forward, n’ then one to the side, but never goin’ back, or turnin’ or anythin’.. .. wouldn’t everyone just end up huddled in a corner of the dancefloor by the end of the song.. .. i guess i must be missin’ somethin’.. .. but it still sounds like fun nonetheleSS

31 TAke a moment to imagine you’re creatin’ a game with instructions that are unrelated to the game bein’ played.. .. n’ then make up a rule #31 for that gaME

32 AT this time, any player that currently has a song or rhythm in their head should think of four-to-two words to describe the melody.. .. write them down.. .. fold the paper up.. .. n’ put the paper in your pocket ((sharin’ optionAL))

33 THe player wearin’ the most ochre may either add their nametag to the “ “wild, wild waterin’ can of wichita” ”, or make a selection from the tray of freshly-made marmalade sandwichES

34 THe first player to use the “ “turn rules into flapjacks” ” card can replace any seven of the precedin’ rules with a stack of hot flapjacks at any point over the next six turNS

35 IF the “ “sawdust-covered jean jacket of warmth” ” is still crumpled in the corner.. .. locate it, dust it off, find a proper place for it.. .. n’ then imagine sleddin’ down the biggest mountain you've ever seen while carefully, n’ somehow steadily, sippin’ your favorite warm beverage.. .. once this task is complete, ask the person to your right what beverage they imagined they were drinkIN’

36 SOme rules are meant to be broken.. .. especially this oNE

37 IF, at any point, the fabled “ “western walnut of wisdom” ” goes missin’, assemble the “ “periscope of totality” ” to determine where it wasn’t first seen

38 IF you can think of a legitimate sentence in the english language that uses the word “ “and” ” five times in a row, you may, if you so choose, place the player to your right’s playin’ piece on the “ “evenin’ by the covered bridge” ” spaCE

39 I’Ve heard the mantis shrimp’s eyes have 12 different types of color receptors, as opposed to a human’s three different types of color receptors.. .. what do you suppose a mantis shrimp would say if one were somehow able to watch the sunset next to you n’ describe to you what it’s seeIN’??

40 ONce “ “the point of no return” ” has been reached, the player who imagines the most lifelike chupacabra before the 42-second timer runs out may also now imagine relaxin’ at the beach ((chupacabra attendance optionAL))

41 THank you for bein’ yOU

42 WEll.. .. what can i say.. .. if you've made it this far.. .. in the game.. .. n’ in life.. .. i tip my fedora to you.. .. keep on goin' on.. .. the adventure ahead beckons.. .. you've got this.. .. the game.. .. n’ life.. .. i guess that's really the point of all of this.. .. were i to boil it all down.. .. it’s simply.. .. keep on goin' on.. .. it’s how we’ll all get to where we’re goin’.. .. we’re all in this together, after all.. .. the game.. .. n’ life.. .. ahem.. .. well.. .. anyways.. .. back to the rules.. .. i suppose now would be a good time to announce that any player who would like to move their player piece to the start of the finish, or the beginnin’ of the end, ((dependin’ on how you choose to look at it)) may do so at this time, if you so choose.. .. you’ve earned it.. .. or.. .. if you’re up for it.. .. you may proceed.. .. play begins with whoever supplied the 7-sided die ((not included)).. .. roll the die 6 times, passin’ the die to the player to your left at the conclusion of your turn.. .. if at any point a “ “1” ” is rolled, the turn is over n’ play continues.. .. if at any point a “ “3” ” is rolled, it is considered “ “wild” ” n’ may represent any number.. .. if at any point a “ “5” ” is rolled, the turn is over n’ play continues in the opposite direction.. .. if at any point a “ “6” “ is rolled, write down somethin’ that you appreciate about the person to your left.. .. if at any point a “ “7” ” is rolled, it is considered a free “ “re-role” ”, n’ doesn’t count as one of the rolls.. .. if at any point a “ “4” ” is rolled.. .. immediately followed by a “ “2” ”.. .. move forward 42 spaces.. .. ((for a more physical-laws-of-the-universe-friendly version of howard’s unrelated game, instead roll a six-sided die seven times, adherin’ to all other rules above)) .. .. the game is over when someone reaches the start of the finish, or the beginnin’ of the end, ((dependin’ on how you choose to look at it)).. .. or whenever the player((s)) decide the game is over, i suppose.. .. i mean, you’re ultimately in charge of your own destiny there.. .. well.. .. anyhow.. .. that’s it i guess.. .. thanks for playin’ along.. .. oh, n’ i understand our moon is ~400 times smaller than our sun, while also bein’ ~400 times as cloSE, which is why they are both approximately the same size in our sky.. ..